Tell me more…
Thoughts on Lisa Lamour, Ph.D., author of Untangled and Under Pressure
The Nibble: Tell Me More
Fully into the fifth month of Covid-19 quarantine, many parents struggle with working from home and being present in the house, but not often available to their children. Here are some ideas. Remember: small changes can make a big difference!
· Make and keep a schedule that works for everyone. I have always bristled against the constraints of a schedule. But feeling secure in what to expect next is proven to help kids feel more settled and confident, and even more flexible when change happens. Try one new schedule addition that you can confidently remain consistent and watch what happens!
· Let kids have their own “work time” and workspace. When are they most productive? Make that their “work time.”
· Talk through the schedule each morning and throughout the day; this is helpful and wise even with infants: “After we change your diaper, we are going to eat breakfast and …” And for toddlers: “After your brother goes down for his nap, we’ll play.”
· Tantrums happen. Become more comfortable with feelings, yours and theirs. It’s crazy to consider, but children of all ages have fewer outbursts and less whining if they are encouraged to express their feelings. Of course, destructive behavior cannot be tolerated, but difficult feelings can start to dissipate when verbally expressed. Notice when you feel like shutting down the complaining, and instead of saying, “That’s enough,” try unclenching your jaw, relaxing your shoulders, taking a breath, and simply saying: “Tell me more.” Then, listen… just listen.
The Hop: So many podcasts, so little time (this one is only 32 minutes)!
The podcast I am recommending this month is a lively, accessible interview with Lisa Damour, PhD, author of Under Pressure. On “Moms Don’t Have Time to Read Books.” Zibby Owens speaks with authors of all kinds. So, if you love books and love podcasts, check it out. In this episode, Dr. Damour offers many wonderful insights and helpful tips for kids of any age. I promise, it is 32 minutes well spent. Some valuable gems include:
· It’s normal to be stressed - Damour believes that one of the best ways to help our offspring manage stress is to model excellent coping skills for our kids. The delivery is key. By saying, “Man, I’m pretty stressed,” we can express that we know what it feels like, and we also know we’ll be okay; feelings come and go. She suggests asking your child to walk around the block, “We’ll both feel better if we do that.” Another powerful stress-buster is silliness. Make your home a safe place to get goofy. These serious times require levity for greater balance in our lives.
· ‘Stinks’ and ‘Handle’ – Kids have a lot of complaints. Instead of rushing in with suggestions and solutions, Lamour suggests showing empathy first. Listen intently and say, “Yeah, that stinks.” Once they know you’re with them, and you’ve determined it’s not a crisis, say: “You know, I think you can handle this.” She likes the word ‘handle’ better than ‘manage’ because it shows more confidence in getting on top of it, not managing underneath it. Of course, you can follow up with more questions around how they can feel better, but…
· Brevity is key – While listening to a complaint, try limiting the number of words you use per utterance. Try to keep it under 10 words; it’s hard to do. But, when we go on and on, we risk losing a child’s attention. Damour promises we will be more effective if we are more “surgical” in our replies. I’m working on this myself!! This advice dovetails nicely with “Tell me more,” above.
The Burrow: Under Pressure by Lisa Lamour, Ph.D.
If you have the time and interest to dive deeper into understanding and appreciating the complicated world of young girls, especially through the tween/teen years, I encourage you to dive into Lisa Damour’s bestseller, Untangled (which many of my clients have found encouraging and illuminating), and/or Under Pressure, in which she confronts the benefits and challenges of stress in developing girls.
Dr. Lamour expresses her concerns to Zibby Owens:
“I worry that we keep adding stuff to girls’ plates, and nothing is coming off. Girls are crushing it, academically, and they’re incredible athletes, and they’re incredible musicians, and they’re starting businesses, AND they’re still supposed to be cute, and they’re still supposed to be nice, and they’re still supposed to make everyone feel comfortable, and maintain a whole lot of social ties, and be agreeable doing the things we ask them to do…But all of this opportunity, without the permission to excuse oneself from cultural pressures to be adorable or thin or pleasant all the time isn’t a great recipe, I think, for girls.” Yet, we can help our daughters gain better perspective and coping skills: “Dealing with stressful circumstances really does adjust your yardstick for what is worth getting upset about.”
If this sparks your interest to read more, burrow into Lamour’s books. Wise choice!
