Emotional Agility
The Nibble: “Be the Sky, Not the Clouds”
Fully into the sixth month of our Covid-19 quarantine, many parents are experiencing a whole new Back-to-School experience; kids are, too. One friend of mine has three teens, in three different schools, with three different hybrid schedules. It’s unprecedented. She feels out of sorts and of control, which makes her crave more control. So how do we keep our energy up and our sanity in check? Last month The Nibble contained strategies to ease tensions of work/life balance at home. This month, I will share some of my favorite ideas around developing skills to avoid getting hooked in the Worry Zone and develop, as Susan David, PhD (see below) calls it: Emotional Agility.
Here is some food for thought ~
· No feeling is permanent. Seriously. If you try just one new thing this month, try this: Remind yourself and any member of your family who is worrying or struggling that this crummy feeling will not last forever. Why are you worried? What does it feel like? Name it! Say it out loud! More words, less tantrums! (Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.)
· Identify what we can’t control and release it. When we first recognize and accept what we can’t control, what follows is not only relief, but newfound energy. As we let go of the feeling that we must figure all of this out NOW, we begin to notice that creative ideas flow more easily. And it’s the creative ideas that get us through strange circumstances – with more ease, more fun, and more positive energy.
· Be the sky, not the clouds. Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl, had a wonderful phrase that dovetails nicely with the idea that no feeling is permanent: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space, and in that space is our power to choose, and it’s in that choice that lies our growth and our freedom.” It’s a big idea, which I explain more fully in The Hop, but it’s a simple idea. If we imagine our emotions are clouds, let’s try to give ourselves space to see all the clouds, all the emotions that are contributing to the big one we are feeling now. Being the sky gives us greater perspective and the necessary space (sometime just a moment or two) to give an appropriate response.
The Hop: So many podcasts, so little time! (This one is 43 minutes)
Raising Emotional Intelligence and Resilience for a Meaningful Life (with Susan David)
The podcast I am recommending this month is a wonderfully informative interview with Susan David, PhD, author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive. It can be found on “Unruffled,” Janet Landbury’s ‘Respectful Parenting’ podcast. Janet’s mentor is Magda Gerber, the guru of the respectful parenting movement. One thing I love about Janet’s podcasts is that the episode transcripts are available to read right below the link to the audio. Choice is good!
Susan David is a Harvard Medical School psychologist who describes (in a delightful native South African lilt) the psychological skills critical to thriving in times of complexity and change. She is also the parent of two young children herself. Their conversation is so informative and wildly applicable in our current climate of So. Much. Worry. This is 43 minutes well spent – in fact, I spent it twice! Highlights include:
· It’s normal to worry or feel stressed. And if we want our children (and ourselves!) to understand that no feeling is permanent, all emotions are transient, then we must allow them – even encourage them – to sit with their emotions and recognize, 10-15 minutes later, that their emotion has passed. Susan David calls this metabolizing discomfort, and her science shows this it’s a critical skill for maintaining well-being and lowering levels of depression and anxiety.
· So, how do we do this? First, Susan David suggests we drop judgement about good and bad emotions. All emotions serve a function. They “help us to communicate with ourselves, telling ourselves what’s important, what feels dissonant or incongruent with our values.” Feel the feelings and get curious: about what these feelings telling you. For instance, if your child feels upset and rejected because she wasn’t invited to a friend’s birthday party, you can first try very hard (I know; it’s difficult) to just sit in that discomfort with the child. Avoid trying to go right to deciding how you can fix it or how you can cheer them up. Validate their feelings, and THEN GET CURIOUS: Talk about what these feelings are telling the child. “You’re feeling so sad because friendships are really important to you. Is that right? What kind of friend do you want to be?” And, voila!, you start moving into another direction that helps the child unhook from that emotion (a cloud) and start considering other feelings and values (other clouds). Suddenly, the child is being the sky, not the cloud, and you will both notice they are feeling better.
· “So what we’re trying to do when we’re emotionally agile is we’re trying to create space for ourselves so that other parts of who we are, our values, our intentions, the best parts of ourselves can come forward.” This is where we can do our best work as parents. “There’s a kind of compassionate, boundaried experience that is very important. And it’s in that space that you can do your work as a parent, as opposed to being the victim in the space along with your child.” Too often we feel responsible for their happiness and guilty when they are unhappy. Try noticing your feelings around this next time your child is upset.
The Burrow – A Deeper Dive
If you have the time and interest to dive deeper into understanding Susan David’s work, you can read Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive. You will learn about the four key concepts around emotional agility:
Showing Up: Instead of ignoring difficult thoughts and emotions or overemphasizing ‘positive thinking’, facing into your thoughts, emotions and behaviors willingly, with curiosity and kindness.
Stepping Out: Detaching from and observing your thoughts and emotions to see them for what they are—just thoughts, just emotions. Essentially, learning to see yourself as the chessboard, filled with possibilities, rather than as any one piece on the board, confined to certain preordained moves.
Walking Your Why: Your core values provide the compass that keeps you moving in the right direction. Rather than being abstract ideas, these values are the true path to willpower, resilience and effectiveness.
Moving On: Small deliberate tweaks to your mindset, motivation, and habits – in ways that are infused with your values, can make a powerful difference in your life. The idea is to find the balance between challenge and competence, so that you’re neither complacent nor overwhelmed. You’re excited, enthusiastic, invigorated.
Finally, if this sparks your interest, you can check out Susan David’s TED Talk . Her work goes way beyond parenting. Wise choice!
