Present, Not Perfect
The Nibble: You’ve Got This!
At a recent outdoor gathering with several close girlfriends, distanced by beach chairs and libations of choice, I was struck by two mothers’ admissions of mediocrity. Professionally, they are both badass. But they each expressed doubt around their ability to provide enough creative and stimulating instruction for their young children learning at home. In truth, they had wonderful ideas, and the rest of us praised their parenting, especially during this challenging time. Were they being modest? I don’t think so. I think they were being extremely hard on themselves. They were showing up, in a big way, and I wanted to jump out of my beach chair and give them huge hugs. Instead, I said, sweet but firmly: “You’re wrong. You’ve got this. Your kids are lucky to have you.” I hope it sunk in. If these two marvelous mothers thought they weren’t doing enough for their kids, maybe most parents need to believe this message: Being present doesn’t mean being perfect. Last month we talked about releasing what we know we cannot control. This month, let’s try, REALLY TRY, to practice more self-compassion; because if we don’t show up for ourselves, how can we show up for our kids?
Here is some food for thought:
· “No one is more qualified than I am to be my child’s parent.” Okay, now say that aloud. Good. An outrageously successful litigator/friend told me, years ago when I suffered a lack of confidence performing in front of a large group, that the best advice she ever received was this: “No one is more qualified than I am, at this time and in this place, to do what I’m about to do.” She says it on the first day of every trial. And it’s true! No one knows your children better than you do. No one is more qualified than you are, at this time and in this place, to be the best caregiver to your kids (even if you’re not physically with them). If you do one new thing this month, try making this your mantra. Say it any time you feel self-doubt or the pull to be perfect….and mean it.
· What happens when we mess up? Don’t be afraid to apologize. Some people believe that apologizing, especially to children, indicates weakness or a lack of resolve. In fact, it shows strength and compassion. Knowing the right way to apologize and knowing when to apologize models extremely important behavior for our children. And apologizing well to our partner, in front of our children, is equally important. As Tina Payne Bryson explains in a recent Washington Post article, and in the podcast below: “Sometimes, we make mistakes. We use a scary voice or lose control of ourselves where we act in ways that are unpredictable. We absolutely will make those mistakes and be imperfect. The key is repair. We go to our children and make things right. As long as we do those repairs, not only are we not damaging the relationship, it’s building deeper connection and intimacy. But it also builds resilience for handling conflict. If we were lovely to our children every second, the first time they have a conflict with a friend would be difficult.”
· Cut yourself some slack. We all know the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. It’s a wonderful value to embrace. But how many of us treat others, even strangers, better than we treat ourselves? If someone we know makes a mistake, we tell them it’s no big deal. If someone is feeling unattractive, we tell them how beautiful they are. How often do we show up for ourselves? Try turning the Golden Rule on its head and treat yourself the way you treat others. You’ll be surprised how good it feels to practice that level of self-awareness and self-compassion. I mean, look at you; your’re fabulous!
The Hop: So many podcasts, so little time! (This one is 49 minutes)
"The Whole-Brain Child" and "The Power of Showing Up" | Best-Selling Author Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
January 7, 2020
Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/whole-brain-child-power-showing-up-best-selling-author/id937425056?i=1000461919102
This month’s podcast pick is a lively discussion with Tina Payne Bryson, PhD (TPB, for short, from here on out). Her most recent book, written with Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., is The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. The host of this podcast challenges her guest to help her with some ‘real-life’ parenting challenges, and there’s an easy banter between them.
TPB discusses how we can show up for our kids even when they’re making it really hard for us, how we can stay regulated when sh*t hits the fan, how we can gage if we have a ‘secure attachment’ (and why that matters), and what to do when you find yourself in a pressure cooker situation and parenting for an audience.
Because we are biologically designed to go to someone, these repeated secure attachment experiences actually build up the middle pre-frontal cortex, which is the seat of insight, empathy, emotional/bodily regulation, attuned communication, morality, intuition, and executive function. Whew! It’s basically the center for all mental health and helps us problem solve and self-regulate.
Science shows that attending to your child’s every want and desire is not important for healthy development. What is important is “showing up,” which means being present when you are present with your kids. If your children know that they have a safe and consistent adult who will be there when they have a need, they will develop well. All they need is one “North Star.” And, TPB emphasizes, it is never too late to do this. “We really cannot beat ourselves up about the things we’re not doing as parents.” If you start showing up for your kids in better ways, it starts a healthier relationship and changes what’s firing and wiring in their brain.
So, how do we support these healthy experiences? First, we create safe havens at home where our kids can rest, relax, and regroup. Next, we cultivate presence and be intentional about it. It’s not as easy to be intentional with our attention as it used to be. Making sure we regularly (not perfectly!) experience the world our children are experiencing is key for connection. Notice the leaves changing color on a walk with your child and talk about it. Leave the phone in your pocket and connect.
Finally, we can always try to repair. Modeling a good apology or a request for a “do-over” is key. When we can say to our child, “I’m human. What I said two minutes ago; I don’t think that was a great way to go,” it teaches our children how strong we are. It also teaches them how strong they can be when they do the same. Present, not perfect.
The Burrow – A Deeper Dive
If you have the time and interest to dive deeper into the practice of ‘showing up’ and how to be a better, not perfect, parent, I encourage you to read The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. As with all of TPB and Siegel’s books, there are enjoyable and effective illustrations and plenty of supporting stories and examples. Their science claims that children who form secure attachments with their caregivers lead happier and more fulfilling lives. These bonds are formed when parents respond to the needs of their children by providing the Four S’s:
Safe: Parents have two primary jobs when it comes to keeping kids safe and making them feel safe: protect them from harm, and avoid becoming a source of fear and threat.
Seen: Truly seeing our kids is about three main things: attuning to their internal mental state; coming to understand their inner life; and responding to what we see in a timely and effective manner.
Soothed: When a child is in a state of internal distress, that negative experience can be shifted by an interaction with a caregiver who attunes to and cares for her. She might still suffer, but at least she won’t be alone in her pain. Based on this parent-directed soothing, she will learn to provide “inner soothing” for herself. Great examples of this in the book!
Secure: The fourth “S” results from the first three. We give our kids a secure base when we show them that they are safe, that there is someone who sees them and cares for them intimately, and that we will soothe them in distress. They then learn to keep themselves safe, see themselves as worthy, and soothe themselves when things go wrong.
Finally, I love the section in the book about the importance of showing up for ourselves. It encourages reflection on our own experiences with attachment figures with thoughtful questions to consider. Now, take a new step toward being present, not perfect. Wise choice!
