Teens n’ Screens
The Nibble: Bigger kids, Bigger Challenges
I love teens. They are fascinating creatures. Before you know it, your little 3-foot creature grows out of his twin bed and begs you for the latest iPhone…with no strings attached. Ha! Many of you are already in the thick of it and struggling. Welcome to the club; it is never too late to improve and repair! November will be extra challenging as students study at home and feel less connected to life as they once knew it. It is stressful, REALLY stressful. And stress needs an outlet. Most often, the go-to outlet for most of us is screens: phones, social media, video games, YouTube, Twitter, etc. What’s a parent to do? During this month of fewer outdoor gatherings and quieter Thanksgiving celebrations, let’s offer our children, especially our teens, the support they need to navigate these trying times.
Here is some food for thought:
· Chase the Why. You’re rolling your eyes as you daughter tells you she’s watching a 2-hour episode of “The Bachelorette” on a school night. I know; I’ve been there. But here’s a small action step that can make a huge difference: Without judgment, ask you teen Why they like that show (or that video game, or all those YouTube “How to Apply Make-up” videos). What do they enjoy about it? Will they share it with you? Will they teach you how to play the game so you can understand the stress-relief it gives them? Lean into it. It might be just the ticket to break down resistance and open-up constructive conversation.
· Take steps to turn demands into requests. Change “Don’t forget to put out the garbage tonight” to “Could you please put out the garbage before 9 o’clock tonight?” If you ask them a question, to their face, they will make a decision and answer; this helps their feeling of autonomy. Teens love feeling autonomous, even in the face of obligation.
· Listen when they complain. Be sensitive to the strong, at times overwhelming emotions your young adult child may be feeling right now. Don’t try to fix everything; you can just listen and validate. Resist the urge to make unsolicited suggestions around what they can do to feel better. Instead, ask (with neutrality if not compassion): “Would you like to know what I think?” Again, they can think and respond. If the answer is, “No,” just say, “Okay. If you change your mind, let me know.” Now the ball is in their court, where it should be, but you have connected and listened – and that’s huge.
· Finally, modeling best practices around screen usage. This one of the best things a parent can do for their kids and for their family life. Make sure to manage your own stress, and share this with your teen. Maybe it will spark a conversation about a favorite stress-busters that you can do together!
The Hop: So many podcasts, so little time! (This one is a brief and brilliant 21 minutes!)
Screenagers Podcast: “Absolute Yes to Fighting Less” with Delaney Ruston, MD. Her guest: Tammy Fisher Huson, Ph.D.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/screenagers-podcast/id1522309870?i=1000487729235
This brief podcast packs a wallop! Arguments in the home about screen time are common and more so when school is in session. What is a parenting strategy that can promote healthy screen use, and other positive behaviors, while at the same time decrease fighting? It’s all about how to give our energy and attention to behavior we want to see more of in our teens and less energy to the rule-breaking and bumps in the road. In parent coaching, we find that emphasizing strengths – in our kids and in ourselves – is the foundation of meaningful change and positive connection. Dr. Tammy Fischer Huson takes this idea and runs with it. Here she lays out the “Three Legs of the Stool,” or steps around setting and maintaining rules that will lead to fighting less:
1. Absolute Clarity. Be clear in your own head what the rule is and why it is important. Express clarity around the rule with your teens, including clarity on consequences. Ideally, have a conversation with your teen about setting the parameters of the rule and let them help determine the consequence for breaking it. Be clear to share with your teen why you are making this rule: “I feel you are snippy when you get off of playing video games, and that’s not good for any of us.” Make sure the consequence for breaking the rule is “short, quick, and meaningful,” to help “get them back in the game” and not wallow in shame.
2. Absolute No. This means saying No to yourself: “I will not get all worked up about this. This is not personal.” If a rule is broken, enforce the consequence and don’t get mired down in anger or negative communication. You can talk about it or change the rule or consequences later. “That didn’t work out too well, did it? How can we make this rule work for all of us?”
3. Absolute Yes. “I absolutely will put energy into the things that are going right, actively pointing out the positive choices and the activities my kids are doing.” Tammy Fisher Huson wants us to regularly point out to our teens their strengths in that moment. This is how we bring out the best in them. For instance, when your teen follows a rule, even begrudgingly, stay positive: If you see your daughter plug her phone in the kitchen before going to bed, you can say: “It’s been great that you’re remembering to plug your phone into the charging station. It shows how responsible you are and that you’re taking good care of your sleep.” I think the second part of that example is key. Praise is easy, but what their good behavior indicates about them is crucial: it shows respect for their own health; it shows respect for the family; it shows commitment and flexibility, etc. Don’t be afraid to call out how hard it is to do what they’re doing. Keeping calm and flexible during the high stress of our current Covid-19 Climate is no small feat!
The Burrow – A Deeper Dive
If you have the time and interest to dive deeper into how best to communicate with kids around screens, I highly recommend watching Screenagers Next Chapter - Uncovering Skills for Stress Resilience. As described on the Screenagers website: “Filmmaker and physician Delaney Ruston uses a personal lens and professional eye to help us all flip the script on stress, anxiety, and depression. We follow Delaney as she finds herself at a loss on how to help her own teens as they struggle with their emotional wellbeing. Ruston sets out to understand these challenges in our current screen-filled society, and how we as parents and schools empower teens to overcome mental health challenges and build emotional agility, communication savvy, and stress resilience.” Yes, this is heavy stuff. And while the first Screenager documentary emphasizes the emotional, physical, neurodevelopmental, and social toll on teens and screens, Next Chapter gives concrete examples of how we can most compassionately and effectively communicate and set boundaries that encourage healthy usage, solid parent-child relationships, and strong self-esteem. It is hopeful and inspiring, while still being a cautionary tale about how screens (which can positively aid connection, play, and learning) can negatively lead to stress, avoidance, less sleep, and less intrinsic motivation. It’s an hour well-spent!
You can purchase a viewing online at the Screenagers site: https://www.screenagersmovie.com/. I also suggest diving into the site, especially if you are currently struggling with a budding screen addict. The resources page, Parenting Apps in particular, is a goldmine!
Wise choice!
