Getting Motivated
The Nibble: Holidays 2.0
It’s here: the most unusual holiday season most of us have ever experienced. Gone are the sometimes-just-too-many festive gatherings. So, how can we replace that positive stress with something new, energizing, and maybe better than before? As parents, we often feel responsible for making the holidays enjoyable for our children. How about including our own happiness in that paradigm? What are you able to do (safely) this year that will bring you joy?
Two years ago, when I learned that our adult daughter and my in-laws would not be joining us for Christmas, I was surprised how devastated I felt. Our cozy group of six would be half its usual size, and I suddenly spiraled down – way down. Then I did what I do with clients every day, but not often enough with myself: I allowed myself to move through the uncomfortable feelings and coached myself to discover clarity around what would make me recapture the holiday spirit. My clients learn to coach themselves during our program of eight sessions (‘teach a person to fish’ and all that), and now it was my turn. By considering the steps below, I regained a sense of control over my preferred outcome, pursued new activities/food/fun, and we ended up having a jolly good time!
Here is some (coaching) food for thought:
· Define the challenge/problem. Go ahead; let it all out.
· Explore the strengths that already exist in yourself, your environment, your family, etc. There is a lot of good to work with here!
· Define what would make you happy this season, the old and the new. Let go of a tradition that no longer lights you up.
· Take action steps to reach that joy – and delegate. Check in with how you’re feeling. If you feel good, your family will feel good, too.
The Hop: So many podcasts, so little time! (This one is an intrinsically motivated 30 minutes.)
THE MOONSHOTEDU SHOW PODCAST037 – An interview with Ned Johnson, founder of PrepMatters and co-author of The Self-Driven Child:
In this interview with Ned Johnson, founder of PrepMatters and co-author of The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, they explore the science (and sense) of how parents can best help kids thrive in life. There are some powerful insights in here for educators, as well.
· Our primary goal is to help build brains that can effectively manage stress and be intrinsically motivated.
· I loved Ned Johnson’s metaphor of the weight-training spotter: Spotters are important; they guide you and help you out if the weight is too heavy. But if a spotter consistently lifts the weight for you, you will remain weak. Let your kids ‘lift the weight’, so they grow stronger with skills, confidence, and resilience. We can always strive to be better ‘spotters’ for our kids, staying aware and close in case of emergency (or if our child asks for help), but otherwise be an calm observer and cheerleader.
· We want our kids to handle the things that they can handle. He cites three types of stress:
o Positive – This is motivating; it gives you a kick of energy (ie. opening night jitters, holiday prep)
o Tolerable – It is unpleasant, but we can get through it (ie. having tough conversations; failing a test)
o Chronic – This is when parents should intervene, when kids are constantly overwhelmed with no relief.
Ned Johnson urges the parent to be a consultant, not a manager. “When parents work harder than their kids to solve their problems, their kids get weaker, not stronger.” This podcast is an energizing invitation to consider intervening less often. This is good advice that benefits the entire family. And, it’s especially valuable for parents pivoting to parent ‘tweens and teens!
The Burrow:
If you have the time and interest to dive deeper into how to best support your child’s intrinsic motivation and stress management, I highly recommend reading (or listening to) The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives by Ned Johnson and William Stixrud, PhD.
Wise choice!
